The Sorting Hat
by TheNextFolchart
Summary: Godric Gryffindor would just like to state, for the record, that he's a little uneasy with this plan. /Written for numerous challenges and competitions on HPFC


_[Cinema Competition: Lord of the Rings - write about a beginning]_

_[Fanfiction Categories Competition: Beta Reader - write about a new beginning]_

_*Warning: Contains minimally-graphic brain surgery (no blood, no gore)_

* * *

Godric Gryffindor would just like to state, for the record, that he's a little uneasy with this plan.

Yes, he knows the Founders of Hogwarts aren't going to live forever, and of course he realizes they need a way to continue Sorting the students even after they're gone, but he's not so sure he wants them taking his _brains _out of his skull.

There are _so many flaws _in this plan, after all. For one thing, how are they intending on getting his brains out? Will they have to cut open his head? Will they at least bother to numb him with potions first, so he doesn't feel it? And what if they take too much out, and he can't remember how to do magic anymore when they're through with him?

And of course, there's always the possibility that Salazar will poke around in there and find some way to prank him later on. Sal may be Godric's best friend, but that doesn't mean he can _trust _him.

He's already tried the argument for taking Rowena's brains instead. It makes sense, after all. She's the one whose gone and based her entire House around knowledge; isn't it more fitting if her mind lives forever?

But Rowena comes back with a jibe about his courage, and Godric can't choose _now _to become a coward, so here they are.

"You'll be careful, won't you?" he says, glancing at the other three Founders. They've decided to carry out this operation in the most pain-free way possible, with Godric passed out on a table while the others slice into him. (Not one word of that sounds pain-free to Godric.) He lets his eyes linger on Salazar for a few seconds longer than the rest. "_Won't _you?"

"Of course." But Godric doesn't like the gleam in Sal's eye.

"Helga," he says, because he knows she'll have mercy on him. "Don't let him do _anything_."

"Oh, Ric," she says with a smile. "You worry too much."

"I mean it," he says. "If I wake up and find out he's been through all my memories, or - or he's planted some charm that forces me to speak in rhyme - "

Sal is laughing. "I hadn't even _thought _of that last one!" he says. "That's _brilliant!_"

"Don't let him touch me," Godric says fiercely. "I don't even want him in the room while this is going on."

"Aw, Ric, don't be such a baby," Sal says with a flick of his hand. He's forgotten, apparently, that he's holding his wand, and his wrist movement sends a stream of sparks flying over the table. Godric lets out a very un-manly shriek and curls into a ball. "Whoops," Sal mutters while Rowena bursts into laughter.

"You see!" Godric cries. "This idiot muddles things without even trying. I want him _out_."

"Come on, Sal," Helga says, tugging him out of the room. Rowena takes his seat, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes.

"Make sure he doesn't come back in," Godric orders. "Please."

"We won't let anything go wrong," Helga promises. "Now lay back and close your eyes."

He does. His heart is threatening to leap out of his chest. Never in his life has he felt so dizzy. . . .

"Which do you prefer, dear, a Body-Bind or a Stun?"

"Stun, if you don't mind," he says, and then he hears Helga begin the incantation, but he's unconscious before the spell even hits him.

* * *

"Is he asleep?" Rowena asks, peering over Godric's limp form.

"Looks like it," Helga says.

"Great." Rowena hops down from her chair and walks toward the door. "I'm getting Slytherin back in here."

"Oh, Rena, don't!"

"Come _on_, Hel, doesn't he deserve to be here? This is for the school. It involves all of us."

Helga sighs. "I suppose." She smooths back Godric's hair from his forehead and holds it out of the way with a Sticking Charm. "Just don't let him touch Godric," she says, and Rowena lets out a squeal of delight and throws open the door.

Sal is leaning against the doorframe with his ear pressed against the wall. "That prat," he says crossly when Rowena ushers him back inside. "And to think I call him my best mate." He leans over Godric. "What've I missed, Hel?"

"Not much yet," Helga mutters, feeling across Godric's forehead with the tip of her wand. "I'm trying to find the right place to cut."

"Which part of the brain are we extracting?" Rowena asks excitedly. "The frontal lobe? The entorhinal cortex? The temporal lobe? The lateral orbiofrontal?"

"None of that sounded like English to me," Sal offers.

Rowena ignores him. "Which is it, Hel?"

Helga is frowning. "I'm not actually sure," she admits. "I hadn't - I didn't really plan this well, did I? What does that last thing do? The Orb?"

"Lateral orbiofrontal," Rowena corrects immediately. "It's the part of the brain responsible for appropriate social and emotional responses. I think it's very important that our Substitute Sorter be able to read emotions and social cues, don't you? So it can tell who belongs where?"

"Plus, think how great it would be if old Gryffindor couldn't figure out social cues anymore?" Sal says, and his grin is almost splitting his face.

"Equally important is the frontal lobe," Rowena presses on. "It's the section of the brain responsible for planning. It contains the dorsolateral prefrontal, the anterior cingulate, the - "

"Speak Engish!" Sal cries.

Rowena sighs. "It's what allows you to make decisions," she says. "You know, draw conclusions, figure out logic, that sort of thing? And there's a bit that controls your motivation in there, as well."

"All of that is good," Helga says. She looks terrified. "I just don't know where any of those pieces _are_."

"I do!" Rowena draws her wand and, without any hesitation whatsoever, uses a severing charm to cut into Godric's skull. Helga makes a noise of protest and turns away. Sal, however, watches the whole thing, with an expression that's half disgust and half fascination.

"I have the anterior cingulate," Rowena says after only a few minutes. "_Geminio_." Suddenly there are two identical pieces of Godric's brain in her hand. Using her wand, she carefully guides the original piece back into his head. "Helga, where d'you want me to put - " But Helga is sitting in the corner, facing the wall and taking deep breaths. Rowena sighs. "Sal, quick, hold out your hand."

Salazar shakes his head. "I'm not touching Godric's brain."

"Get me something to put it in, then! Quickly!"

"Just put it in his hat."

"Oh," Helga says, peeking over her shoulder. "No, don't do that, you'll ruin it!"

But Rowena is already dumping the piece of brain into the hat, where it lands with a sickening _squish, _and Helga can do nothing but gulp and return to her corner.

They sit in the room for more than an hour while Rowena carefully builds a new brain. "Nearly finished," she says finally, and Sal looks up from twiddling his thumbs.

"What's that piece?" he asks as she Summons a tiny section of brain into her palm.

"The temporal lobe," she says, duplicating it and depositing one into the hat. "It's the part of the brain responsible for language."

Sal jumps up. "Don't replace that piece," he begs. "Just - Rena, listen to me. How _brilliant _would it be if Godric woke up from all this and found he couldn't speak?"

Rowena smirks, but shakes her head and gently fits the temporal lobe back into place. She mends his skull and heals his incisions with a flick of her wand, and she's about to wake him up when she hears Sal muttering something to the hat.

"What are you doing?" she asks, eyebrows arched.

"Nothing," Sal says, but he's smirking.

"You did something."

"Oh, Sal," Helga says with disgust. "What did you do? You heard Godric. You weren't supposed to do anything to his brains."

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him, eh?" Sal says, twirling his wand between his fingers and tapping the hat's brim excitedly with one finger. "Oh, just wait until he wakes up!"

Rowena rolls her eyes. "You boys are _children_. _Renervate._"

* * *

Godric opens his eyes and immediately begins to feel at his head. "Did you do it?" he asks, sitting up carefully. "Did it work?"

Rowena nods. "Here it is," she says, passing him his upside-down hat. "Our new Sorter."

Godric doesn't look inside. He's afraid he'll be ill. "What're we going to put it in?" he asks instead, giving the hat back. "A statue, maybe?"

"I was thinking we'd just leave it in the hat, actually," Helga says. "Students could put it on their heads, and that way it could sort of hear their thoughts and determine where they ought to be?"

"I like it," declares Sal, and Rowena gets to work charming the brains to stick permanently inside the Hat. "Who'll be the first to try it on? I say Godric!"

"What are you doing back in here?" Godric asks, but there's no anger in his voice, only amused exasperation.

"I came to support you, mate!" Sal says, clapping him on the back. "It's a new beginning here at Hogwarts. We have a new Sorting Hat, and it's full of Ricky's brains, and I just want to see what it does when it's on your head."

Rena passes the Hat back to Godric. Eyeing his friend distrustfully, Godric raises the Hat and lowers it onto his head. The hat slowly starts to move, as per Rowena's enchantment. A wide rip near its brim begins to stretch, almost like a mouth, and without any warning whatsoever, the Hat begins to sing:

_"Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,_

_But don't judge on what you see._

_I'll eat myself if you can find_

_A smarter hat than me!"_

"What the bloody - " Godric starts to say, but then he sees Sal doubled over laughing, and he understands. He flings the Hat off his head. "I thought I told you not to do anything to my brains!"

"They're not yours anymore, mate, they're the Hat's!"

"You enchanted it to _sing_?"

"And it has your voice, too! It sounds _awful!_" Sal is crying, he's laughing so hard.

"Undo it," he says shortly, holding the hat toward Sal, but he shakes his head.

"Permanent," he manages to say between peals of laughter. "Can't."

"What?" Godric turns to Rowena. "Undo it," he pleads, but she just shrugs.

"If it's permanent, it's permanent," she says, and now she's started to laugh too. "Oh, Ricky, you should see your face."

"Undo it," he says to Helga, but although she's too polite to laugh, she still can't take the charm off the Hat, which still has not stopped singing.

"Sorry, Godric," she says with a sympathetic smile. "I don't think you sound half bad, if that makes you feel better."

"No, it bloody does _not _make me feel better! Slytherin, you dolt! I'll _destroy _you for this!"

_"For I'm a thinking cap!" _the Hat warbles, and then it goes mercifully silent.

. . . Until Sal nudges it and it starts its song all over again.

* * *

_A/N: Read the sequels! _

_Of Animagi and Men_

_Unicorn Blood_


End file.
